Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
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I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I am crying
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.