The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
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All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder