I get distracted pretty eas
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*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana