If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
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OKAY DAD
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’