Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
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Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.