*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
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I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy