Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
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She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
When the stylist spins you back around
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default