Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
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me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
THIS HEADLINE
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Did…did a minotaur write this
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian