due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
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My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
good let them take over I have had enough
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”