me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
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If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
🤣🤣🤣
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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