No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
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me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.