Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
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If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.