No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
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My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?