[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
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if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
NASA has no chill
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.