Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
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So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.