I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
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“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot