When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
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stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0