me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
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Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Swedish for common sense.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no