when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
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me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Pretty much! 😂👀
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…