Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
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[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
cause of death:
autopsy.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Never forget.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp