It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
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I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Succinctly put.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.