An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
You Might Also Like
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
True
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive