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me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Check out the legs on this baby
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Probably my best painting.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
i have never needed anything in my life more than this