Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
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My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I saw this ending much differently.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”