Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
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settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Sign at work today
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
We avoided this particular disaster
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.