2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
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You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I’m just playing devils avocado here
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t