My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
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Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Pat is about to own someone
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close