*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
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Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes