me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
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ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.