[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
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One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON