[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
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My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …