Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
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I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Breakfast for Stoners:
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby