Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
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What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse