babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
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Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
these two trucks have the same bed length
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…