Happy Thanksgiving
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To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets