Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
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I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks