obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
You Might Also Like
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
My brain is a bad influence on me
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”