daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
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Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Love is in the air fryer.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.