I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
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Note to self: I am a note
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!