Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
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her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
A classic…
Found my door mat
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time