me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
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A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
i’m still crying at this
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.