Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
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On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.