My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
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Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
The Assassin.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.