the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
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Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?