(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
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Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second