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Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
new record!
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.