You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
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mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.