‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
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Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Aaaa…CHOO!
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now