[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
You Might Also Like
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
accurate
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
This is not me but this is me
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?