Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
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knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
“You’d better run, egg!”
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”